Boiling down the description of an internet connection to a single word means distilling thought and emotion to bare essences. It is much easier to convey negative feelings, which our language makes easy, with it’s plethora of interjections. Good feelings, on the other hand, are more difficult to express. Below are some examples of terse commentary as they apply to the nebulous world of internet connections.
- Awesome – When everything is going smoothly, and there are no glitches in the system, then it is possible to utilize a word like “Awesome”, which is more easily understood than some other buzz-words like “killer” or “chill”.
- ZZZZZ – Some days the connections seem to take so long that you think you were accidentally switched back to a dial-up service. The sound of sawing logs drowns out the low hum of your computer’s fan.
- Gone – If you take the air card you use at home with you on a camping trip to the mountains, “gone” may be how you’d describe your connection. Not to worry, all the mosquitoes will have you slapping yourself so much you wouldn’t have time to play “Smurfs” anyway.
- Addictive – I know you’re all scoffing at this one, saying, “I can quit anytime I want to.” In reality, you know that going without your hands on a mouse and keyboard for more than 24 hours is pretty hard to take.
- Snowblind – If your connection depends on a forlorn little dish that is buried under six feet of snow, then you may not even have a connection from November to April.
- Groundhog Day – Alright, that’s two words. However, if your connection keeps “timing out” just as you are about to hit the “save” button on the 50-page report you have just completed . . .
- Rhodium – Rhodium is among the rarest and most precious of all metals. Your ISP seems to value your internet connection in comparable terms, and bills you accordingly.
- Embarrassed – Some internet connections seem to blush a lot. At least, this is the feeling you get when the screen flashes, for the umpteenth time, a message that says the server is embarrassed, but it doesn’t seem to be able to make the connection you want it to.
- Huh? – When you can’t get to where you were headed, because you get a pop-up every three seconds that says your computer is being updated. Sometimes it gets so “updated” that you are the only one who is left feeling old and useless.
- #!%& – This is a popular choice for a lot of today’s connections. If you were able to be a fly on the wall in any home in America you’d be likely to hear one-or-more household members hurling this invective in the general direction of the ISP.
There are more apt one-word (often “four-letter”) descriptions of internet connections, but most of them are related to the terms used here.